The 24 Worst Things About Being A Fat Man


Being fat doesn’t come with a list of the special nuggets of misery that appear when you hit BMI 25+, which is a shame as a bit of warning would be nice. Fortunately, we’ve polled the Brains Trust of the MAN v FAT forum and put together 24 of the worst things about being a fat bloke. Read them and weep.

1. People stare at your food in the supermarket trolley

You’re a fat man in the supermarket. Put anything that isn’t a vegetable, or clearly emblazoned with the word DIET, and you will get this look – FROM EVERYONE.

disapprove

They will attempt to physically restrain you with the power of horrified expressions if you even look like you’re going to walk down the sweets or crisp aisles. Forget about eye contact from the cashier if you’ve bought ice-cream.

2. The shit that grows in the folds of your body.

We’re not doctors but we know that whatever this stuff is, it’s gross, it itches and it smells. And joy! The more folds you have, the more of it you get. If you take one thing away from this article it’s that you should never Google Image Search “sweaty body fold gunk”. Just. Don’t.

3. Sex

Congratulations, you’re a fat man about to have sex! Now you just have to work out the mechanics. But it’s not just the confounded “Insert Sprocket A in Flange B” mechanics of accomplishing the act that will melt your brain, it’s working out how to achieve the mechanics while you keep things nice and sexy. No one has ever successfully recovered The Vibe after uttering the words, “If you hold this bit up then I think I can just about get it in.”

4. Not feeling sexy

You know, nothing special, just day-to-day sexy. That feeling that you’ve got a rocket in your pocket and that you quite possibly have it Going On. You feel so disenfranchised from the whole notion of sexy that when you’re listening to a song by Prince you always feel that he might add a secret chorus just for you that this song isn’t actually for anyone BMI 25+.

prince

5. Overeating to punish yourself for being overweight

You truly hate the fact that you’re overweight. You know that the solution is to make healthier choices with your food and be more active. Instead of doing that you punch yourself in your face WITH EPIC QUANTITIES OF FOOD. Thanks brain.

6. Those painfully-polite conversations from well-meaning friends

“Would you like me to come with you to Weight Watchers?”

“We’re worried about you…”

“Those garden chairs aren’t built to take normal people.”

7. Those painfully-rude conversations from well-meaning friends

“When are you going to do something about your weight?”

“Bet you can pinch more than an inch.”

“You owe me £5 for that garden chair.”

8. The shit people shout at you

Ahhh drive-by counselling. It’s odd but rarely do you hear of Amazing Losers who go, “And the thing that inspired me to take control of my weight and start eating nutritious food and exercising more was that builder who drove past that fateful morning and shouted “Lose some weight lardarse!”

9. Ironic nicknames.

Slim. Tiny. Twinkle Toes. Please stop now, thank you.

10. The fact that clothing designers stop caring after a 34″ waist.

Wardrobe options for the fat man – do you wear the fat guy hat, or not?

King-Size_Homer_(Promo_Picture)_2 or muumuu

11. Crippling exhaustion just from standing

When Gym bros lift a particularly heavy weight they scream and cheer, post videos of it all over Facebook and then reward themselves with an awesome protein shake. When a fat man gets out of a chair the only recognition he hears is the “Oooooof!” he quietly exhales to himself.

12. Man boobs

13. Your doctor attributing ANY health complaint you have to your weight.

Really? You think my fractured arm could have something to do with my weight?

14. Chafing.

Come! Witness how I have conjured the miracle of flame from between my very thighs!

Fire

15. Builder’s Crack

We’ll let @craig-morris take it from here:

“For me it’s loose trousers/fear of builder’s crack. It makes no sense – my gut should hold my pants up, but instead, they slide down like a beached jellyfish sliding over a couple of smooth pebbles. And no, I haven’t considered fucking braces…”

16. Fear of any situation which might require a harness, seatbelt or restraint.

sku_116490_12

Keep going…just a few more…

17. Belt buckle rash

Every time you stand up you’ve got the most exquisite reproduction of your belt buckle on the underside of your gut. And no one to show it to.

18. Summer

Fuck Summer.

19. Sitting in a Weight Watchers’ meeting listening to women bang on about emotions.

“…so in the end I just sat by the fridge and cried and cried and cried. And I remember feeling that all these emotions inside were so powerful and I think that goes back to another feeling from when I was younger…”

rdj

20. People assuming that because you’re overweight you are mythically strong

I’m fat, not The Hulk.

21. People assuming you will be mythically deft and light on your feet

I’m fat, not a walking-talking-dancing cliche.

22. Any situation where you have to be even partially naked

Of course I’m going to wear a t-shirt to swim in, that way you won’t be able to see how horrifically fat I am. #fatmanlogic

23. The horrific things it does to your penis

You’ll have noticed that being fat tends to minimise things, or perhaps you’ve just accepted that you haven’t seen your penis since the first season of The West Wing aired. Whether it’s failing by comparison with your immense gut, or simply because your pubic fat pouch (that’s apparently a thing) is sort of swallowing everything, there’s no denying that fat is not a good look for your todger. Bet you’re glad there’s not a GIF to go with this one.

24. Mirrors

What the fuck are you looking at? And why are you projecting the image of this fat person who I fail to recognise? Why? Because mirrors are dicks.

What did we miss? Any particular things you hate about being a fat man?


About the Author /

hello@manvfat.com

I'm Andrew Shanahan, I started MAN v FAT when I lost over 60lbs and realised that there was naff all help for men who wanted to lose weight.

17 Comments

  • Tony Deluna
    October 3, 2014

    I can relate to every single one… Unfortunately even #23.

  • Pieface
    October 3, 2014

    Very funny, and unfortunately very true.

  • Adam Barrett
    October 4, 2014

    Not being able to play with your kids as much as you’d like, due to fattie related issues like chaffing, breathlessness, being a sweaty mess, getting stuck in soft play areas (this has happened!)

  • Henry
    October 4, 2014

    Realising that fit looking woman is not looking at you because she wants to jump your bones or just thinks you are a hansome devil…..she is just thinking….” Has he got no dignity to allow himself to get like that”

  • Adam Barrett
    October 4, 2014

    Relying solely on your sense of humour to attract a partner!

  • Chris Parfitt
    October 8, 2014

    25)Noticing that the topic of conversation near by has become weight lose, again!
    26) The stares of the other people as you sit in the departure lounge hoping that they are not sharing a row with you.
    27) The indignity of the hostess walking the length of the plane holding a bright orange seat belt extension and passing it to you as she says at the top of her voice “HERE YOU ARE SIR”
    28 The guilt of eating anything in public and feeling judged.

  • Jason (@thatsitivehadit) B.
    October 9, 2014

    Very well put together list…I can empathize with ALL of them.

  • Will Hughes
    December 22, 2014

    Looking like you have just run 800m after tying up your shoelaces.

  • Joey
    August 13, 2015

    The anguish of smiling when someone takes your picture. Knowing that it is more than a simple picture but a historical record of how fat you are.

  • B
    August 13, 2015

    No 13 is sooo relevant to me right now to the point I’m seriously considering moving practice. ANYTHING health wise is lose weight, it’s your weight and but what are you doing about the weight!?!? I’m holding my left arm in my right hand it’s came off… oh but that will be your weight!!

  • Yan
    November 25, 2016

    The feeling of holding your breath for an inordinate amount of time, your face quickly turning from red, to purple to blue as the air is squeezed out of your crushed lungs as they are compressed by your fat gut. All so you can tie your fucking shoe laces.

  • AL
    February 6, 2017

    1,2,4,5,
    6 (board room chair)
    8,
    I kind of relish 10

    11,12,13,14,

    15 – I went “high waisted” in my teens

    16,17,
    18 with a rusty bargepole,
    19, no problem with the emotions, more with the being in a room full of people whose weight, if added together, would come to about what I have to lose.

    20 (but I can lean strategically)

    21,22,23,24

    Additional

    Sticking tongue out when tying laces
    The sheer bloody effort of doing anything ever

  • Stuart
    January 13, 2018

    Being too scared to ever get on your kid’s trampoline.

    1. Standing on the canvas and the floor at the same time
    2. Spliting the canvas as you climb on
    3. Explaining to the *(paramedic, firemen, nurses, doctors, nosy bastards) how you broke *(arm/leg/back/neck)

    *chose as you see fit or just imagine being all of them!

  • Liam
    February 13, 2018

    getting the middle seat on an aircraft, and the look on the people’s face who are going to be sat either side of you…

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