Being fat doesn’t come with a list of the special nuggets of misery that appear when you hit BMI 25+, which is a shame as a bit of warning would be nice. Fortunately, we’ve polled the Brains Trust of the MAN v FAT forum and put together 24 of the worst things about being a fat bloke. Read them and weep.
1. People stare at your food in the supermarket trolley
You’re a fat man in the supermarket. Put anything that isn’t a vegetable, or clearly emblazoned with the word DIET, and you will get this look – FROM EVERYONE.
They will attempt to physically restrain you with the power of horrified expressions if you even look like you’re going to walk down the sweets or crisp aisles. Forget about eye contact from the cashier if you’ve bought ice-cream.
2. The shit that grows in the folds of your body.
We’re not doctors but we know that whatever this stuff is, it’s gross, it itches and it smells. And joy! The more folds you have, the more of it you get. If you take one thing away from this article it’s that you should never Google Image Search “sweaty body fold gunk”. Just. Don’t.
Congratulations, you’re a fat man about to have sex! Now you just have to work out the mechanics. But it’s not just the confounded “Insert Sprocket A in Flange B” mechanics of accomplishing the act that will melt your brain, it’s working out how to achieve the mechanics while you keep things nice and sexy. No one has ever successfully recovered The Vibe after uttering the words, “If you hold this bit up then I think I can just about get it in.”
4. Not feeling sexy
You know, nothing special, just day-to-day sexy. That feeling that you’ve got a rocket in your pocket and that you quite possibly have it Going On. You feel so disenfranchised from the whole notion of sexy that when you’re listening to a song by Prince you always feel that he might add a secret chorus just for you that this song isn’t actually for anyone BMI 25+.
5. Overeating to punish yourself for being overweight
You truly hate the fact that you’re overweight. You know that the solution is to make healthier choices with your food and be more active. Instead of doing that you punch yourself in your face WITH EPIC QUANTITIES OF FOOD. Thanks brain.
6. Those painfully-polite conversations from well-meaning friends
“Would you like me to come with you to Weight Watchers?”
“We’re worried about you…”
“Those garden chairs aren’t built to take normal people.”
7. Those painfully-rude conversations from well-meaning friends
“When are you going to do something about your weight?”
“Bet you can pinch more than an inch.”
“You owe me £5 for that garden chair.”
8. The shit people shout at you
Ahhh drive-by counselling. It’s odd but rarely do you hear of Amazing Losers who go, “And the thing that inspired me to take control of my weight and start eating nutritious food and exercising more was that builder who drove past that fateful morning and shouted “Lose some weight lardarse!”
9. Ironic nicknames.
Slim. Tiny. Twinkle Toes. Please stop now, thank you.
10. The fact that clothing designers stop caring after a 34″ waist.
Wardrobe options for the fat man – do you wear the fat guy hat, or not?
11. Crippling exhaustion just from standing
When Gym bros lift a particularly heavy weight they scream and cheer, post videos of it all over Facebook and then reward themselves with an awesome protein shake. When a fat man gets out of a chair the only recognition he hears is the “Oooooof!” he quietly exhales to himself.
12. Man boobs
13. Your doctor attributing ANY health complaint you have to your weight.
Really? You think my fractured arm could have something to do with my weight?
Come! Witness how I have conjured the miracle of flame from between my very thighs!
15. Builder’s Crack
We’ll let @craig-morris take it from here:
“For me it’s loose trousers/fear of builder’s crack. It makes no sense – my gut should hold my pants up, but instead, they slide down like a beached jellyfish sliding over a couple of smooth pebbles. And no, I haven’t considered fucking braces…”
16. Fear of any situation which might require a harness, seatbelt or restraint.
17. Belt buckle rash
Every time you stand up you’ve got the most exquisite reproduction of your belt buckle on the underside of your gut. And no one to show it to.
19. Sitting in a Weight Watchers’ meeting listening to women bang on about emotions.
“…so in the end I just sat by the fridge and cried and cried and cried. And I remember feeling that all these emotions inside were so powerful and I think that goes back to another feeling from when I was younger…”
20. People assuming that because you’re overweight you are mythically strong
I’m fat, not The Hulk.
21. People assuming you will be mythically deft and light on your feet
I’m fat, not a walking-talking-dancing cliche.
22. Any situation where you have to be even partially naked
Of course I’m going to wear a t-shirt to swim in, that way you won’t be able to see how horrifically fat I am. #fatmanlogic
23. The horrific things it does to your penis
You’ll have noticed that being fat tends to minimise things, or perhaps you’ve just accepted that you haven’t seen your penis since the first season of The West Wing aired. Whether it’s failing by comparison with your immense gut, or simply because your pubic fat pouch (that’s apparently a thing) is sort of swallowing everything, there’s no denying that fat is not a good look for your todger. Bet you’re glad there’s not a GIF to go with this one.
What the fuck are you looking at? And why are you projecting the image of this fat person who I fail to recognise? Why? Because mirrors are dicks.