The Top 10 Things Fat Lads Worry About
Carrying a few extra pounds comes with a whole set of concerns and anxieties, Adam Barrett knows all about it.
1) If you gain any more weight your penis will look like a very small popped balloon
Medical fact: the more weight you gain, the smaller your manhood becomes and the further into the corner of the urinal you move. As your schlong is engulfed in the fat covering your pubic bone it gradually becomes a schl-ort. Why GPs don’t utilise this fact to scare the shit out of you is a mystery. “Oh no, my BMI is some random number I don’t quite understand. Bothered!” vs “My cock will look like what?” No contest.
2) Weddings – being the biggest part of the big day
The gilded invitation arrives and others think about the dancing, the drinking, the fun – you’re thinking about getting measured for a suit. Women take days out to enjoy the special moment of buying the dress of their dreams – this is how it happens for fat men. You shuffle into the shop you’re told to go to, a former male model who has a BMI in the negative figures gives you one look and sighs. He gets the tape measure just to highlight how massive you are and then disappears into a storeroom to get the freakishly large trousers and fake waistcoat that has no back on it. You don’t even try it on because it’s all expandable. It’ll fit. It’ll just look like crap. Roll on the big day.
3) Chaffidge- Burn Baby Burn
When you are a plus-sized model our thighs cannot stand being apart, and take it upon themselves to rub each other up. The consequence is a heat unlike any chilli you have experienced emanating from the groin area. Reach for the cycling shorts and talc before you spontaneously combust.
4) Sleeping – “I love how you snore darling!”
Snoring like Brian Blessed testing a decibel machine does not rub our partners up the right way. This coupled with the extreme self-loathing we experience about our body image does not make for a happy relationship. Although they may say they love you no matter what, you still believe that deep down they’re thinking you have let yourself go.
Because we all need treats now and again, even if you are trying to lose weight. However for some reason if we are in a shop buying some chocolate we secretly think everyone is tutting and judging us. You are, aren’t you?
6) Accidentally catching yourself in a mirror while you’re out
Mirrors are dicks. Don’t get me wrong, at certain angles and under certain lights (e.g. when they’re off) we can convince ourselves we look ok. When you are out and about all mirrors turn into some circus mirrors that explode every ounce of your flesh and make us look like a pregnant giant haystacks. Every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror whilst out, I cry a little bit inside. I then have an argument with my subconscious about getting my arse in gear because I should not look like Robbie Coltrane after an all-you-can-eat buffet binge.
7) I think I’m going to die
This is one that I’m guessing a lot of us put right to the back of our brains behind the DIY jobs. However, if we sit down and really think about the impact our weight is having on our health and mental well-being, it is massive. Especially if you have small children who want you to play with them non-stop when you get time off work. The extra pressure on our heart, joints, lungs is one thing, however the impact our mental wellbeing is something more of us need to talk about.
8) The fear of the doctor’s surgery
Going to the GPs is a worrying time for two different reasons. The first being we might be asked to take our tops off and that is never a welcome event. Secondly, we might find out we have a serious health condition. Then there’s the realisation that they will almost certainly tell us that we are obese and need to do something about it. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.
Ahhhh, the beach, the pool, the changing room – anywhere you’re reasonably expected to disrobe. Suddenly, everywhere are scantily-clad models. All with bronzed, toned bodies and theyre eagerly staring at you to reveal your rolls and folds, ready to stare, point and laugh at you.
10) That Monday feeling that I should be starting the diet again.
For some reason we cannot psychologically start a healthy living initiative on any other day apart from a Monday. If we’ve had enough of how we look on a Tuesday we will have to eat our own body weight in custard creams and ice cream for the rest of the week before we can even think about touching a salad on Monday.