Occasionally, said Alan Partridge, I dost venture South. What Alan means, of course, is that he’s sometimes tempted to stray below the line and read the comments on an online article. Venture South enough times when you read articles about health and diet and you’ll experience an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. It’s always these same people, saying the same things. We’ve produced a handy guide so you can skip reading the comments and get straight to judging them.

The Simple-Reallys…

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Advocates of plain speaking and robust common sense. They’re sure they know the answer to losing weight: eat less, move more! It’s simple really. The Simple-Reallys sometimes kick off their contribution with the words “As Katie Hopkins always says”, which ensures that few people ever read beyond that point, but the gist of it is a distrust of anything that’s happened in the field of public health and nutrition since 1955. They’re sure to have had a granny who smoked forty untipped Players a day and lived to be ninety two. Nobody was obese then either. So think on.

The Five by Twos

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Relentless cheerleaders for their own customised version of the 5:2 diet and who can bore for England on the subject. Like the Ancient Mariner, Five by Two will insist on telling his tale and you cannot choose but hear. Trouble is, he’s embellished the formula so much he’s apt to get confused himself – “So it’s the 4:4:2. Four day fast, four day feast, two days eating only ice cream and Rooney in the hole for the first half…..no, hang on, I’m wrong. It’s four days ice cream…..”

The Carb Warriors

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You know what really caused 9/11? And the global economic meltdown? It was carbs, stupid. But Carb Warrior is on to them and he’s determined to expose their nefarious ways. And pretty soon Carbs are going to be forced to rip off their masks and say “We would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for them meddling Carb Warriors.” So come out with your hands up Pasta, the game’s up.

The Atkins Obsessives

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Will dismiss any diet with the words “It’s just Atkins though, isn’t it”, if the word protein is so much as hinted at. These comment threads can easily degenerate into a discussion about the death of dear departed Dr. Atkins, the dieting world’s equivalent of the JFK assassination. How much did he weigh and how did he die? Personally, I think 280 lbs and they took him out with a cheeseburger from the gassy knoll.

The Debunkers

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Eternal sceptics, our debunkers can do a Richard Dawkins on your most cherished dieting certainties in the space of half a dozen lines. They’re definitely glass half empty people, though they’ll be sure to point out that the glass half empty diet has not been proven as an effective method of weight loss. Unlike Dawkins, they’re usually seriously unimpressed with scientific research. You can prove anything with facts, don’t be so gullible.

The Thin Vegans

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Obsessing about what you eat isn’t healthy, but the Thin Vegans just pretend that’s the cure and not the disease. Homo Sapiens are not meat eaters by nature. Our lives would be vastly improved if we foraged for food, even if most of the foraging is probably done at Waitrose. Buzzwords are raw, cleanse, holistic, fasting, detox and fluoride. You must think about every mouthful. It works for Gwyneth Paltrow, but the rest of us might want to consciously uncouple.

The Waterboys

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He can only see water, water everywhere and the tide never seems to go out. All that weight you lost – water. It’s basically still you, just less watery. When you get your water back, you’ll weigh just the same as before. Humans are mostly water you know? How much did that house cost you? Two hundred grand? A hundred and twenty grand of that went on water.

Recognise yourself? Or maybe you think I’ve missed someone? Then please add your comments below. You don’t have to read the others.