MAN v FAT Confessions: The Oil Slick
We love to hear your weight-related confessions (share yours here) mostly because it makes us feel that all those times when we threw biscuits away in a burst of willpower and then later rooted in the bin and picked old bits of cabbage off them means we’re not so weird after all. This confession carries a warning that if you’re in any way squeamish about poo then you should go and read something else (maybe this artice about how your poo changes with weight loss?)
Take it away…
You probably can’t name the actual drug, but about five or six years ago there was a trend for doctors to prescribe a particular drug for weight loss. The idea of it was that it stopped the digestive system from absorbing fat from food and I guess that reduced the amount of calories you processed and overall it helped you lose weight.
My doctor had put them on me when I’d been for an over 40s health check and it had shown that my BMI was creeping up well over the 30s. I’d been on them for about two weeks and found that they were pretty decent. You just took a pill and aside from a bit of stomach ache when I first went on them they were no problem – I’d even lost about a stone on them so I was feeling pretty good.
I’d taken my pill one morning and had a meeting with my accountant about my taxes at his office in the local town. As I sat in his office I could feel my stomach going mad, but it seemed to settle down so we carried on. As he was talking me through something about off-setting building materials against earnings I felt a little bubble squeak out of my arse. Tiny fart, no problem I thought. Only it was followed by another little pop and then another. What started as a cheeky “I should get away with it fart” ended up ripping into a cataclysmic storm.
That wouldn’t have been such a problem, I could laugh that off. The issue was that I felt what I can only describe as some seepage. I stood up and not daring to look at the chair I’d been sat on I barrelled out of his office pulling my coat around my waist. I walked as fast as I could without causing more leaking and did not stop until I charged into the toilets of a well-known burger chain.
The issue with this drug is that if your body isn’t absorbing the fat then it has to go somewhere and where it goes is not pretty. It looked like the sort of stuff that you see environmentalists sponging off sea birds. I swallowed my pride and called one of my lads and he brought some spare trousers from home. I cleaned up as best I could and went home for the best shower of my life. I’d like to apologise to both my accountant and whoever had to empty the bin in that toilet, because it was unholy.
Stopped taking the drugs and later joined MAN v FAT Football and have now hit my 5% without shitting myself once. I consider that a win.
MVF: We would love to know how your accountant dealt with your deposit, but congratulations on trying the pills and also on finding something that works for you. Weight loss is rarely pretty but the sea bird comparison was really not pretty. Glad you’re getting healthy.
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