Hey! If you’ve got a partner and you both love to exercise, then a couples workout is just the thing for you to try!!!!
That’s precisely the way this post would begin if it was one of those moronic articles written by hacks, who despite never having been to a gym, inexplicably end up writing about “fitness trends” on websites for gullible idiots. It’s this sort of carefree, four-exclamation-mark journalism that results in real people actually attempting a couples’ workout, which in case you were in any doubt IS A TERRIBLE IDEA AND SHOULD NEVER BE DONE.
Here’s why.
Couples workouts: they’re rubbish
“COUPLES WORKOUTS ARE HELLA SEXY!!!!”
They hate each other.
THE DREAM: Your partner playfully pins your bare ankles, while you blast out a set of 30 crunches – you get a kiss for each rep! Or you throw on some shorts and run and chat for miles until you’re completely alone and surrounded by raw, wild nature!
…AND THE REALITY: By the time you’ve hit crunch 14, the burn on your abs is so pronounced you don’t even try and hold in the farts for the remaining 16, while your partner asphyxiates in a rage. The romance of the run ends when you see your beloved empty their sinuses into a hedge near an industrial estate.
“YOU LEARN TO GO AT EACH OTHER’S PACE!!!!”
Pace yourself.
THE DREAM: You are a team of two and you’ll do everything it takes to survive that workout together!!!!
…AND THE REALITY: One of you is stronger, faster and (let’s just come right out and say it) better than the other. If that’s you then you will have to pretend you’re running at your top pace, if it’s not you you will have to pretend that you’re comfortable running so fast that your heart thinks you’ve had amphetamines for breakfast. Just keep smiling, you’re having fun remember.
“SHARE YOUR FAVOURITE WORKOUTS AND LEARN NEW THINGS FROM YOUR LOVE!!!!”
Squat your way to a divorce lawyer.
THE DREAM: You both love different types of exercise, why not teach your partner a new skill!
…AND THE REALITY: You know when you spend an entire evening never quite deciding what to watch on Netflix? (“So we’re looking for a police show that’s set in the Wild West and features lasers and Muppets”). Well, imagine a similar discussion in Lycra and t-shirts and you’ve got the picture.
“USE YOUR CLOSENESS TO FIND NEW WAYS TO MOTIVATE EACH OTHER!!!!”
Seriously, get off.
THE DREAM: As lovers, you’re already inside each other’s heads, so why not use that privileged access to press all their buttons and get them a personal best!
…AND THE REALITY: Of course you use your privileged insider knowledge, but you don’t use it to spur them on, you use it to crush them into a fine paste. “Is that really all you can do? The last time I saw such little effort was when I unwrapped my last birthday present from you. No wonder your dad left.”
“LEARN ABOUT HOW EACH OTHER’S BODIES RESPOND UNDER PRESSURE!!!!”
Looks like parquet flooring.
THE DREAM: You watch their biceps pumping, you marvel at their flexibility, you get hot for their power!!!!
..AND THE REALITY: You learn that women really do sweat buckets as well.
Do you work out with your SO (that’s Significant Other according to Mumsnet slang), or would you rather be poked in the eye with a sharp stick? We can arrange that you know.
